


Objective: Lube Hunt

by comefeedtherainn



Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: M/M, Mentions of Sex, lube hunt, nothing graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-10 14:16:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8920321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/comefeedtherainn/pseuds/comefeedtherainn
Summary: Based on this tumblr post I saw that I can now no longer locate about characters having to stop getting hot and heavy in order to run to Walgreens and get some frickin lube coz AIN'T SHIT HAPPENING WITHOUT LUBE. This is kind of like that, without the Walgreens. If anyone can locate this post/sees it, please let me know so I can link it!





	

“There’s no lube.”

“What the fuck do you mean there’s no lube?!”

“I mean it’s not in the drawer, where did you put it?” Wash pulled his mouth away from Tucker’s neck with no small amount of effort, his blind fumbling in the drawer beside Tucker’s bed proving fruitless. He leaned over, stretching as far as he could without toppling off the bed so he could peer into the drawer.

“Why do you assume I put it somewhere? Maybe you put it somewhere,” Tucker shot back, craning his neck back to one, watch Wash search and two, try to avoid his nose being smushed by his chest. When that turned out to be uncomfortable, he occupied himself with his earlier task of trying to mark up Wash’s freckled chest, sucking eagerly on the muscle and flicking a nipple with his tongue.

Wash twitched slightly. “Stop distracting me.”

“What else am I supposed to do with a face full of titty?!”

“If you don’t stop referring to my chest as ‘tits’ I swear to God,” Wash muttered, sitting up and rubbing his slightly flushed face. He was still panting slightly from the earlier excitement. “Goddamnit. I think we’re out.”

“Oh my godddd,” Tucker groaned, letting his arms flop heavily to the side. “I’m gonna dieeee.”

“Now you’re just being dramatic,” Wash smirked, though he had to admit he felt similarly. “Maybe commissary still has some?”

“Maybe.” They both paused, staring at each other for a few silent moments. “…your pants are on the floor,” Tucker continued, nodding to the crumpled pile of grey cloth several feet across the room.

“Why do I have to go?” Wash muttered, turning red at just the thought of having to face whoever was working commissary and ask for fucking lubricant.

“Because I’m cute and I’m asking nicely,” Tucker said, grinning ear to ear and sitting up, draping himself over Wash’s back. “Pleeeease? Please please?” he cooed, right in Wash’s ear because he _knew_ that was Wash’s hotspot, the prick. “I’ll totally owe you. Like, sexual favors and shit.”

Wash put extra effort into making his sigh loud and long, even letting his head fall back long-sufferingly. He couldn’t help the slight smile as Tucker pressed open mouthed kisses along the curve of his neck, kind of screwing up his whole façade. “Alright. Fine. I’ll think of a way for you to repay me.” He got to his feet, luckily cooled down enough now that he didn’t have to worry about his erection being uncomfortable in his armor. He knew all about that from previous experience; sometimes he really regretted taking Tucker up on getting their own ‘sexy com channel’.

“Hurry back, baby,” Tucker called as he headed for the door. “Before I fall asleep!”

“Stop calling me baby.”

“Nope.”

Wash rolled his eyes fondly. “I’ll be five minutes,” he promised, before hurrying out the door and locking it safely behind him. After testing it once, he headed down the hall, holding his breath as he passed by the other captains’ rooms. It wasn’t too late, so he wasn’t as worried about waking someone up as he was about being subjected to questioning. He didn’t remember much about this sort of thing from his civilian life, only small snippets, but he definitely recognized the weird anxiety when buying things like condoms or lube. Which was ridiculous, he was a grown man and this wasn’t his first rodeo, but that did nothing to stop the flush from spreading over his face and neck. He was glad for his helmet, as he often was for that exact reason.

He took a deep breath as he neared Armonia’s commissary exchange, crossing his fingers that _something_ at least resembling what he needed was available in their frighteningly scant supplies. He rounded the corner and then stopped dead.

“Oh, hey Agent Washington, sir! Nice evening for a stroll, am I right or am I right?”

“Hello, Lieutenant Palomo,” Wash deadpanned. “I…wasn’t aware you did commissary duty.”

“Oh! Well, Long was feeling kinda sick so I volunteered!” Palomo said brightly, and Wash knew he was beaming even with the kid’s helmet covering his expression. “I’ve done it before, and even though I got a _badass promotion_ I don’t mind helping out the little people, y’know?”

“Right.” Wash inhaled and exhaled deeply, wondering which sin this particular bullshit was punishment for. He approached the counter with jerky movements, his jaw and shoulders both tight.

“So what can I do ya for?” Palomo chirped, leaning on the counter with his arms folded. “Not that I wanna do you. Please don’t tell Captain Tucker,” he pleaded, sounding genuinely concerned.

“No, no, I got it,” Wash said hurriedly, seriously resisting the urge to face palm or possibly smash his head into the wall and knock himself unconscious. “Explanation not necessary.” His eyes flitted over the shelves behind Palomo’s head and t _here it was, a pretty damn tiny bottle but there it fucking was, YES._

“Cool. Awesome. So. What did you need?”

Wash stared at him, his mouth open as if about to form a sentence, but nothing came out. He cleared his throat, squared his shoulders, and tried again, but just ended up making a weird squeaking sound.

“…uh, need a reboot there, Agent W?”

“Don’t call me Agent W,” Wash responded automatically, straightening and lifting his chin up. “I…sorry, to bother you, Lieutenant, it appears that you don’t have what I need. Goodnight.”

“Oh, you sure? I can check in the – uh, oh. Okay. Bye?” Wash didn’t even stop to respond to him, just spun on his heel and power walked his ass out of there as fast as humanly possible.

 

* * *

 

 

Well, that was a bust.

Wash grumbled irritably to himself as he dragged himself back in the direction of Tucker’s room. He knew Tucker wouldn’t a _ctually_ be upset, he wasn’t _that_ kind of asshole. He was the type to make fun of him for not being able to ask Palomo for lube, though. …every good relationship was built on a foundation of face-saving white lies, right?

He groaned and rubbed a hand over his visor. It wasn’t like non-penetrative sex wasn’t good (or, rather, mind-numbingly and soul-ascendingly incredible) with Tucker, but they’d both been pretty stressed and Tucker had painted some re _ally_ nice pictures over their sexy com channel while Wash was on perimeter. So, sue him for being a little disappointed.

He was practically pouting as he passed by the Captains’ rooms again, a soft love ballad almost taunting him as it drifted out from underneath Donut’s door.

He stopped in his tracks, slowly turning toward it. …was he this desperate? It took him about five seconds to decide and approach, knocking three times and quite sure his entire body was slowly turning pink as he waited for an answer.

The door opened a crack, Donut’s face appearing in the gap and thankfully he didn’t appear to have been sleeping. “Oh, heyyyy Wash!” he greeted brightly, face splitting into a grin as he opened the door a bit wider. “Come in! I was just about to do a face mask, want to join?”

If he was honest, any other time Wash may have agreed; he’d been more than a little intoxicated after a wine and cheese night and allowed Donut to smear _something_ all over his face that had somehow managed to calm him and make his skin baby soft. He wouldn’t have really cared about that part, except Tucker had been all over it and wouldn’t stop kissing and rubbing his nose on his cheeks the whole next day.

Tonight, though, he had a mission. “Not tonight,” Wash declined, stepping inside the door and trying to stop his voice from sounding too strained. “I just um, wanted to ask you…something.”

“Oh, sure,” Donut beamed, going to turn off the (slightly melancholy, now that Wash was paying attention) love song on his data pad. “What’s on your mind?”

“I was…well…” Wash’s mind raced as he tried to think of a way to phrase it that didn’t make it sound like he was trying to get laid. “Tucker…has…sore back muscles,” he invented, nodding in a congratulatory manner to himself. “And I was wondering...if you had any massage oil. Just, offhand. Unscented. He’s…sensitive to smells.” Well, that wasn’t really a lie.

Donut paused, blinking once with his eyebrows raised. Then his eyes slowly narrowed suspiciously, like he was trying to read Wash’s helmet for a facial expression. “…uh huh,” he said slowly, the corners of his mouth twitching. “That’s very considerate of you, Wash. You’re such an attentive lover.”

“Jesus Christ,” Wash groaned, putting a hand over his visor. “Just – do you or don’t you?”

“I think so,” Donut giggled, flitting across the room to search through his drawers. “I know I had a little bottle of something around here somewhere…”

Wash rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet, fidgeting with the folds in his gloves as he waited. This was goddamn mortifying, but arguably less so than having to get it from Palomo, so he had to be thankful for whatever miracles he was given.

“Here we are!” Donut announced, pulling out a small bottle. “Sorry I can’t lend you the bigger one, I’m saving that for a special someone!”

“Right.” Wash took the bottle from him, nodding and smiling slightly even though Donut couldn’t see it. “Um, thanks. Really.”

Donut waved him off, going to turn his weird, sad music back on. “Don’t mention it! Now get back to your man before he falls asleep or takes care of his ‘back pain’ on his own!”

Wash was out the door so fast Donut hadn’t even finished his sentence before he’d closed the door behind him. He exhaled in relief when he was finally outside of Tucker’s room again, prize in hand, and pushed open the door.

Tucker was lounging on the bed, still stark naked and reading something on his data pad. He glanced up and grinned his million dollar smile when he saw Wash with a tiny bottle cradled between his fingers. “And he returns! Got the goods?”

“Sure do,” Wash said proudly, holding it out to him.

“Massage oil? I didn’t think they sold stuff this nice in commissary,” Tucker frowned. “Where’d you get it?” He looked up when Wash was dead silent, frowning at him. Then his eyes widened, and a smile slowly spread on his mouth until he looked absolutely fucking delighted. “Where’d you get the massage oil, Wash?” he asked gleefully.

“Nowhere,” Wash said firmly, removing his armor mostly in order to avoid Tucker’s eyes.

“Agent Washington, did you ask _Franklin Delano Donut_ for lube?!” Tucker cried, sitting up straight. When Wash’s ears went red and he still didn’t answer, Tucker squawked and stood up on his knees instead. “You did! Holy fuck!” He curled in on himself in a fit of giggles, almost pitching himself forward in his amusement.

“Palomo was working commissary!” Wash griped, which only made Tucker laugh so hard it became mostly weak gasping. “Oh, fuck off,” he huffed, face bright red now and crossing his arms tightly over his chest. “Now I don’t even know if I want to use it.”

Tucker snickered, reaching out and curling his large hands around Wash’s folded forearms so he could tug him gently forward. “Don’t be mad,” he said, as if he knew Wash just wouldn’t if he asked. The annoying thing was, he wasn’t really wrong. “Dude, did you double check what he gave you? He’s known for like…rose scented everything.”

“No, Tucker,” Wash said dryly. “I figured I’d stick perfumes up your ass. I know how much you like that.” The corner of his mouth twitched as Tucker erupted into another peal of laughter, and he allowed himself to be pulled down onto his back on the mattress. He certainly couldn’t help the pleased hum as Tucker’s weight was suddenly on him as the captain straddled his hips, massaging Wash’s chest with his palms.

“Alright, let’s fuckin’ do this already,” Tucker declared eagerly, grinning lopsidedly down at Wash with his dreads cascading over his shoulder. “Also, that was definitely more like ten minutes, not five. I think you owe me at least two orgasms for being late.”

“Deal,” Wash grinned, gripping Tucker’s thick hips. He closed his eyes as Tucker leaned down, briefly registering the lubricant bottle making a gentle clicking sound on the nightstand as it was put aside. _Fucking finally,_ he thought to himself, humming softly as he allowed Tucker to devour him whole.

**Author's Note:**

> Come scream with me on Tumblr! @comefeedtherainn


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